The Enlightened Parent

My oldest teen recently came in later than we had agreed, tried to take his younger brother’s soda and then promptly went to the refrigerator and began devouring the ice cream that was meant for dessert. I immediately fely my ire rising and had to restrain myself from intervening in with an angry attitude. After a few moments to calm myself I waded in to set some limits. It did not go well, but at least my younger son kept his soda and we still had the ice cream for dessert.

In that moment, my oldest was not going to like me when I said “no” to anything no matter how firm and kind I was. I even got tempted to go the martyr route and get upset at my oldest son who was acting like teens so often do, but I knew this would not help him or me.

Instead, after some time passed, I was able to touch base with my eldest later when we both were calmer and have a better understanding of the situation. After he had calmed down, he was able to take accountability and look at ways to make it up to the family.  

Here’s a few techniques to remember when intervening with a defiant child. First, keep your calm when you intervene, even if it feels unnatural at first. Your children will remember it later when you keep a calm attitude during conflict, even though you won’t hear any “thank you’s” until about 10 or 15 years later when they are grown. This helps to reduce tensions in the situation and increases the likelyhood that your children will actually listen to you and follow your limits.

Next,  make sure the limits you set are enforceable without your chidlren’s cooperation. (It was easy for me to limit my son’s access to the soda and the ice cream.) This means there’s no need to lecture or argue to make your point. Let your actions speak for themselves.  Also, make sure you never argue with a defiant teen. You can never win this argument, and you just feed the fire of oppositional behavior when you give it attention by arguing over it with your child.

Finally, it’s OK to wait until tempers cool down to set consequences. Waiting lets you think about an appropriate response and get feedback from others before you say something you might regret later. Keeping these ideas in mind can help you maintain a positive relationship while keeping firm boundaries in your home.

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  Many parents may feel hurt or upset when their child lies to them. It can be about anything such as where they are, what they are doing, or if they completed their chores.  As parents we may get upset and become harsh and punitive on our children to make them tell the truth and show them how wrong it is to lie. This type of response actually can fuel misbehavior and make the problem worse because you are giving your energy and attention to the behavior you don’t want to see.

Arguing with or lecturing to your child gives a great deal of attention and reinforcement to negative behaviors. This can create the type of relationship where the parent is in the cop role and the child plays the criminal role where the child tries to avoid getting caught. This paradigm always sets up a no-win situation and breaks down the relationship between the parents and the child. This makes the child more likely to lie in the future.

When your child lies always remember to stay calm and have empathy first. It’s very important to remember to preserve your positive relationship with your child. Even just beginning with a short phrase like “how sad …” is a good start. Next, never let them see you sweat. Even if you don’t know what to do, act like you have yourself under control. If you are not sure what to do, it’s OK to delay the consequence and say something like, “I’ll have to think about what I’m going to do about that.” This gives you time to calm down and to process appropriate responses with your partner, family or friends.

When you come up with your response, it’s best to use natural consequences which are easily enforceable.  If the infraction is around the computer, the cell phone or some other item, limit access to that item until your child is willing to respect the limits you set. Otherwise, be creative on how you can set limits and consequences that are related to the infraction and are easy for you to enforce without their cooperation.

Remember, actions speak louder than words and having strong actions and few words with an understanding and empathetic attitude is always a good combination to let your child learn from life experience. Life experience is the best teacher, and when parents can facilitate situations where their child learns from life experience, then the child matures through learning important life lessons.

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Our twins got back from a trip with friends where they had a great time. The last day of the trip they spent the afternoon on a boat and didn’t use sunscreen. Of course they came back with painfully red sunburns on their shoulders and backs. We keep an aloe plant growing in our livingroom and so when they got home we were immediately cutting leaves off the large aloe plant and applying the gell to all the red areas after they had a cool shower. Liz and I were empathetic and understanding and gave them lots of TLC. Our friend who led the trip was concerned and apologetic and we assured him that this was a natural part of life and a great lesson for our boys.

I always remember getting a bad sunbburn at the beginning of each summer no matter how many times my mom reminded me to use sunscreen. After the initial lesson I was always more careful for the rest of the summer. As parents, we can be tempted to over remind our children of these types of things, but the best teacher is always life experience. Every experience is an opportunity for our children to learn responsibility and to take care of themselves. Our children learn important life lessons with the loving support of parents who allow their children to feel the pain created by their poor choices (literal sunburn pain in this case). Of course, safety always comes first, and it’s vitally important for the parents to also be engaged, empathetic and understanding through the whole process. 

Combining empathy and support with allowing our children to feel the natural life consequences of their choices creates growth and maturity in our children. I know our twins will need no further reminders this summer about sun screen.

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Shelby, our beloved dog of 15 years had cancer and recently we had to put her to sleep on the advice of our vet after numerous surgeries to remove recurring tumors. She had been in our family since before our children were born. When our boys were in diapers she had learned appreciation for infants because of the the dinner table scraps dropped from highchairs. She had been there guarding our family every day as our boys went through preschool and elementary school. Shelby was loving and loyal to a fault and was always cheerful and ready for an evening stroll. She knew the words “walk” and “treat” and would get excited when either were mentioned. In recent years Shelby became deaf as a post. She slept a lot and couldn’t jump on the couch anymore when I wasn’t looking, but she stayed loving and true until the very end.  

We had a family meeting when her situation became critical, and our boys all had their own reactions. At first, Connor wanted to wait, and he got teary at the prospect of putting Shelby down. Craig was more accepting and philosophical and talked about what a great life she had for the past 15 years.  Matthew asked questions about what would happen to her soul after it left her body and wanted to understand the medical process of the euthanasia. We processed all this for some weeks before finally setting an appointment with the vet to come to our house. When the day arrived, the boys wanted to stay home from school to spend Shelby’s last day with her. They took her for walks, fed her lots of her favorite treats, and lavished her with attention. It was a beautiful day.

When the vet arrived at our front door that evening, our boys were ready to help Shelby make her transition. We were all around her petting her when the vet sedated her. The vet was patient and understanding and let us talk and cry and love on her until we were ready. When it was time, we all had tears when the vet gave Shelby the final injection. She passed peacefully with her family all around her. When she passed, the room was still and we all thought we could feel her spirit floating above us in the room as we encouraged her to go to the light of doggie heaven.

Through this whole process our boys all expressed a deep love and appreciation for Shelby. They each worked through their own feelings of sadness in their own ways and showed an astonishing maturity in helping Shelby to move on to the next phase of her soul’s journey. Our family had a profound space of peace and gratitude during Shelby’s transition. Through this process our boys learned that they don’t have to fear death, and they learned to say goodbye with grace and ease.  These are life lessons that they will carry with them always and for this I am grateful.

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Being a parent is one the most profoundly joyful and challenging expereinces in life.  Through this process we continually have the opportunity to let go of our fears and preconceived ideas and grow as a human being. Welcome to this forum where you can get ideas, insights and inspiration to become a better parent.

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